the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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