Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
