When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Randomize
