my soul wont recognize me after tonight
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Randomize
