it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize