Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
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