I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
