the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
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