Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
it glows. i had to have it.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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