Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Randomize
