i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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