i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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