someone owes me an orgasm
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Randomize
