the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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