Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
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