If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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