It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
