This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
