I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
my poor anus
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
