First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
