If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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