eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
