You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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