You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
