do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
