If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
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