Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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