She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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