Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
