I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Randomize
