Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Just pee around me
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize