quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
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