Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
