so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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