i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
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