The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize