so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
