at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Randomize
