We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
