I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
