tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
