That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
