There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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