ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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