I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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