Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
