She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize