Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
