My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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