Pappa wants mamma naked
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
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