You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Houston, we have a squirter
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
