last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize