apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
