She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
