Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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