i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize