The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
