I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
