The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Randomize
