false alarm. still invincible.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Randomize
