Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
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