i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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