sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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