??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
