i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
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