they need to just BURY HIM!
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
