You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
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