Betty ford says i'm here all night
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
Randomize
